PG14 for yuckiness

So this is going to be all about living with a urostomy bag, it’s real, I have one so why not talk about it.  If nothing else it might be an education for some people and hopefully a bit of a laugh for everyone.  There are close to 160,000 men, women and children (yes children) that have a bag living in Canada (maybe I should have put that differently but I’ll leave it in). Here’s a great article about ‘The Myths about Ostomies’  Canada even has an ‘Ostomy Day’ coming up in October, I’ll probably take part and I promise we won’t close the Don Valley Parkway for it and bring the city to a standstill… That’s a pet peeve of mine

Before I move on I have to bring up something about humor that I remembered recently and why I think it’s important at times to see the funny side of things.

When I was 5 years old in England, I was in what was called primary school, it’s for kids starting out in school up to the age of 11 after which you moved on to senior school.  At the end of the term, you were given a report card to take home to your parents, we only had one teacher who taught us everything for the whole term so these were fairly brief.  Miss Saunders my room teacher, wrote this: ‘Peter needs to realize that life is not one big joke’ – Can you believe a teacher would write something like that! I still have that report card stored away somewhere.  Well Miss Saunders you dried up old bat you’re dead now and I’m still alive and a lot of the time I still think that we can laugh at what life throws at us – reminds me a the scene with John Candy in Uncle Buck.

So back to the bag man…

Now there are two types of Ostomy Bags, a delicate way to put it would be to say one is for Pee and the other one isn’t – mine is of the ‘isn’t’ kind just to get things straight. Not everyone who has bladder cancer loses their bladder, I did so the Pee has to go somewhere so it goes into a bag that connects to my body by what is called a stoma. I drain the bag about 3 times a day, it holds about 750ml

At first, when people asked me how I go to the bathroom I used to tell them I have a hole drilled in the top of my head and I just bend over when I need to go.  I’m convinced that some people believed me just a few seconds.  I also used to say it put a whole new meaning on ‘piss on you’

I honestly never thought I would get used to having a Urostomy bag, but 6 months post surgery I am comfortable with it and it has become part of my daily routine.  I change everything about every 10 days so having to look at body part sticking out of my stomach about 3 times a month, other than that it’s business as usual. I never have worn super tight clothes anyway so nobody would know it was there unless I told them. Never thought I would say this but there are some benefits of having a Urostomy:

  • I sleep right through the night now, a lot of guys as they get older have to get up 2 or more times a night to go to the washroom and then struggle to get back to sleep.
  • I could drive to Florida and never have to stop to have a leak – I can empty on the go. You can actually buy an attachment that connects to a 2 liter pop bottle.
  • On planes you get priority seating: Seriously I didn’t know this I’ll let you know if it’s true or not because Divina and I are and I are going to the Caribbean in a couple of weeks.
  • In elevators, I can whisper in strangers ears and say things like “I’m taking a huge pee right now”

  • A greater APPRECIATION for life and understanding of personal values. Most of us with a stoma have been through some pretty life-changing experiences and hardships, with our health, careers, relationships and life in general. I’ve done a lot of soul searching in the lead up to and since having my ostomy surgery. I definitely appreciate life more, and especially value the little things. It’s helped me reassess my priorities and reevaluate what is really important to me (for the better). I have closer and stronger relationships with those I love, and a greater sense of gratitude for life and the joy of living.

And the biggest benefit is that I DON’T HAVE CANCER ANYMORE

That’s about it people, that’s your Urostomy 101 lesson for this week, and remember if there is something bothering you right now, health, job, relationships YOU’RE GOING TO BE OK YOU KNOW.

Peter R and Simon the Stoma

PS: the image was not meant to be sexist, it’s the only one I could find on the Internet – (yeah right)

 

SOME BAG HUMOR TO CLOSE WITH – ENJOY!