Even though I have Stage IV Bladder Cancer and either it or the spread of it will be my ultimate demise it is essential that I put things in perspective.  In my previous article ‘I know the how – but not the when’ I talked about exactly what’s going on down there below my waist today if I can I would like to talk on the human side rather than the stats and facts.

Who wants to die? Not me, but realistically we all will, when I was a small child I wanted and often prayed that my parents would never die.  Even at that early age, I knew people died, I had lost a grandparent when I was around 6 or so, yet I still hoped that there could be an exception made when it came to those close to me. Then (alas) realty came along and forced me to accept that peoples lives come to an end.

This is not a discussion on who shouldn’t or should go or when. But more a discussion on how to handle it when you know your time is sooner than you expected or wanted it to be. Rest assured though I am no expert…

People – (The Peeps)

Number one for sure, I for one am very fortunate that I can surround myself with people, for many years now I have been a member of a fellowship that has helped me live a life I could never have dreamed of.  We are there for each other, a phone call or message away.  Since this journey started there has never been a day that someone from that organization hasn’t made contact. I would seriously have been lost in a sea of depression and hopelessness if they hadn’t been there.  When this ordeal does get to me and it does, I try not to wallow in self-pity and pick up the phone and call someone.  I was reminded recently that ‘I should never deny anyone the opportunity to help me’

I have a friend who is undergoing cancer surgery this week, he doesn’t have the same support around him that I have and I am saddened that I can’t do more for him.

Gratitude (The Grats)

When I stop feeling sorry for myself I truly have so much to be grateful for, they would not have been lofty goals back when I was a young buck, but now they mean the world.

• Family, I don’t have a big one, a daughter, son-in-law, and ex-wife but I am so grateful they have been the help they have been
• A Partner – My Divina who sadly is getting the raw end of this deal, I can be a temperamental asshole sometimes and I’m finding when you live with someone 24 hours a day the ‘self-pity’ I get causes problems.  I’m so sorry Munckin I love you dearly.
• Money – I have enough, let’s just leave it at that.
• Friends – I kinda covered that that but it has to be on my gratitude list.
• My current health, Other than the effects of the chemo I feel OK in fact during my last ‘rest period’ after my first cycle of chemo I felt great, lots of energy, ate like a horse and slept well. Hopefully, that will come back when my next rest period comes around.
• Something to believe in – I have faith that somehow or other ‘this is all going to be OK – how do I know that I really don’t know BUT IT’S ALL GOING TO BE OK I have to believe that or I’ll go crazy.

LASTLY I’M ALIVE… so when things get really bad I have to remember this:

There are two days in every week
about which we should not worry,
Two days which should be kept free of fear and apprehension.

One of these days is YESTERDAY,
With its mistakes and cares,
Its faults and blunders,
Its aches and pains.
YESTERDAY has passed forever beyond our control.

All the money in the world cannot bring back YESTERDAY.
We cannot undo a single act we performed;
We cannot erase a single word we said.
YESTERDAY is gone.

The other day we should not worry about is TOMORROW
With its possible adversities, its burdens, its larger promise.
TOMORROW is also beyond our immediate control.

TOMORROW, the sun will rise,
Either in splendor or behind a mask of clouds,
But it will rise.
Until it does, we have no stake in TOMORROW
For it is as yet unborn.

This leaves only one day – TODAY.
Any man can fight the battles of just one day.
It is only when you and I add the burdens of those two awful eternities
– YESTERDAY and TOMORROW –
That we break down.

It is not the experience of TODAY that drives men mad.
It is remorse or bitterness for something which happened YESTERDAY
And the dread of what TOMORROW may bring.

Let us, therefore, live but ONE day at a time.

Peter and T

PS: Shout out to Jo, St, Jo, Da, Ju, Ge and Sa for checking in today.