Do you get that feeling that something’s just not right, just not sitting well?

As I enter into what I have been told is my final week of chemotherapy with a five-hour session on Wednesday followed by one hour the Wednesday after my head is in a different place.  At the start of my chemo and even during the process I felt something was being accomplished, and the chemo sessions were part of the journey. The treatments have been going on for close to 4 months and they seemed never ending but during that process, I never really had to think about, what’s next…

But now they are ending – and I am now forced to look at ‘what’s next’

What’s next worries the crap out of me, after a brief rest period of a week or so to get my strength back I have to go for 3 different Cat Scans. One for my neck, one for my lungs and one down in the groin area.  These are to establish whether or not, even with the chemo, if my cancer has spread. I have discussed with my oncologist ‘what happens if it has’ to be told, “we’ll cross that bridge if we have to” Hard not to think with that kind of response that what they really saying is ‘Houston we have a problem’

In several of my previous blog articles, I have mentioned that I’m OK with all this, given that I really don’t have a choice and that acceptance has played a big role – it is what it is. So this is where

‘The Battle between Faith and Fear’

I know that everything happens for a reason, I get that and believe that wholeheartedly – this journey has forced me (willingly) to be more grateful for those around me.  The selfless acts of kindness that family, friends, and strangers have offered has opened what were sometimes cynical eyes that there is good in everyone. The doctors, nurses the volunteers all contributing to a feeling of ‘we got your back’ have driven me to believe that all that effort, the chemo, all of it can have been for nothing and that deep down whatever the reason ‘everything is going to be OK’

I have been consciously trying to pay-it-forward, trying to be a nicer person, I don’t expect a medal for attempting that, you should never get a pat on the back for just doing the right thing.  Most people do that kind of stuff every day without expecting a reward. But to be honest I can be a bit of a ‘dick’ sometimes so a fine-tuning of my attitude was probably in order plus I remember once being told that a ‘pat on the back is only about 2 feet from where you get a kick in the ass’

I have heard many times ‘that faith and fear cannot coexist’ from where I’m sitting right now I’m not sure I totally buy into that.  Yes, I have faith that everything is going to be ok but the next couple of weeks scare the crap out of me. So I guess for me at least, faith and fear are coexisting.

That’s it for now – I’ll report in after this week’s chemo session and my meeting with the oncologist.

Have a great day peeps – unless you’ve made other plans.

Peter and (t)

Huge shout out to ‘Aj’, Sa, Jo, for checking in

PS: Edited on the fly as usual…